and succeeding generations are given a better start in life.”
-Kofi Annan
One of my dearest friends, Miss Danielle Murphy, is working for a nonprofit called the Women's World Health Initiative and they need our help. Their organization could win $20,000 if they receive the most votes.
It takes 2 seconds and if you don't vote 10 times in the next 2 minutes your lizards head will fall off and the boy of your dreams will never like you.
Just kidding...or am I? Do you want to tempt fate? I sure don't.
If you're like me and need to check out the organization for yourself here's their website
Chase Community Giving is giving at least $20,000 to 200 organizations. And you can help us get it! All it requires is 20 seconds. Please click on this link:
I have a near adulterous relationship with food. Especially when it comes in the form of comfort food.
Comfort food to me is anything that I grew up eating, which encompasses quite a bit. It can be chicken pot pie, fresh watermelon, hand shucked corn, any form of pasta, Chinese chicken salad, celery with cream cheese in the middle, chicken breast done a thousand different ways, steak and potatoes, peas off the vine, steamed zucchini, orange glazed carrots, wild rice, white rice and any other form of rice (I love rice), strawberries, blackberries and blueberries, or anything bbq'd. And don't forget the chocolate...oh, the chocolate! (I was going to put *orgasmic* after my chocolate rant but I can't decide if that is too inappropriate. Cover your eyes kids!)
This is me on a regular basis
Anyways, this does not scratch the culinary surface of my childhood but you get the point. What I'm trying to say is that my mom loved to cook and I loved to eat her food. She was a very gifted cook and I am a very gifted eater.
Lately I've had a very interesting relationship with food. When my mom was really sick I ate as often as I could. There was always some sort of fast food, bread or sugar treat that would make me instantly feel better and, let me be frank, I needed all the good feelings I could get. So I ate and ate and ate. Even after my mom passed my mind decided that food was the only thing that uplifted me, even if it was just momentarily. So I ate.
And I gained 10 pounds. And it sucks.
Now before you start throwing rotten fruits in my direction please just hear me out. I know what most of you are thinking. I'm a stupid, skinny, you-know-what that should stop typing now before you break each of my fingers, slowly, Godfather style. Please just give me a moment to explain myself.
Thank you.
It sucks because I had to buy all new pants and my shirts now reveal all of the nooks and crannies beneath their nearly-sheer cotton goodness. I had to try on at least 8 different sizes of pants at Express in order to figure out what didn't squeeze my newly gained love handles into muffin tops. I hate trying on jeans and that experience was just pure torture.
I know, I know. I shouldn't complain but I hate it. I want to have my old body back. I want to fit into my pants and wear cotton jersey dresses without them hitting me in all the wrong spots. I tried dieting but I just love food too much. I exercise but obviously not enough. And it frustrates me.
Most of the time when I want something I get it. I work hard to get it or I cry and kick and scream until someone gives it to me. Just joking, I would never do that...or would I? So the fact that I can't lose these pesky pounds is driving me nuts.
Any who, I was watching Ina on the Food Network today (love you Ina) and realized how much I miss my weekly culinary adventures with Sarah and how much I miss my Kitchenaid and how much I miss making something new even if I do completely char or over season it. I LOVE COOKING!
This is me, like everyday
There I said it. Whew, glad to get that off my chest. I love to cook and I love to eat delicious food. I love to watch Andrew's face to see if he likes or even dislikes the prepared meal I place before him and have him rank it on a scale from 1 to 10. (We are amateur food critics.) And I love that food makes me happy. That's probably a sentence that any psychologist could find so many things wrong with but whatever.
I need to find a balance between my love of food and a healthy body. I don't want to go jean shopping every year because my waist line continues to expand. I don't want to diet and I don't want to stop eating delicious food.
This summer is our summer of fun. We officially quit our jobs (HALLELUJAH!!!) which I am just a little excited about if you can't tell. No more crazy boss and no more campus tours for me, thank you-know-who, and no more oil changes and jiffy lube for Andrew. I feel like singing "Oh happy day" but don't have time for that right now.
(This is a repeat of my other blog because like I explained, I have no time to write another blog post)
Since we have quit (May 26th) Andrew has gone to Alaska with his family, I went to Seattle with my padre, thrown a perfect 60th birthday party for my dad, helped with a going away party for Sarah, done laundry and packed because we are leaving for Lake Powell in t-minus 1 hour. When we get back from Powell my family will be up at the Homestead for a week, I get a week off then Diane and I are going to Cleavageland to find a place for my sweetie and I to live for the next two years. Then (here's the real kicker) Diane and I get back from the land of cleavage and 3 days later we are on a plane to Rome. Yes, my friends, I said Rome. For a month. Then we move August 1st, or there abouts. Andrew heads back into the wild frontier to catch the winter supplies of halibut the second week of August and returns the day before school starts which is also my birthday. I'm still deciding if I should go to Maui in August so I'm not all alone in our new place, decisions, decisions. I am equal parts exhausted and thrilled.
So if you don't hear from either of us until September don't be alarmed, we are just partying it up until the world of graduate school and student loans takes it's firm grasp upon our throats.
Recap: Seattle & Alaska, dad's bday party, Sarah's going away party, Lake Powell, Homestead, week off, Cleveland, Europe, move to Cleveland, Alaska and maybe Maui.
We must always change, renew, rejuvenate ourselves; otherwise we harden"
-Goethe
This year has been a year of unwanted change for me. It has been 364 days since my mom passed away if you can believe it or not. There are times when it feels like it was last month and times when it feels like I've been grieving for a decade. My sense of time has been so jumbled that I don't even know anymore.
I think the hardest part of all of this was the loneliness. I've mentioned this before but I felt like I had no one to talk to when in fact I didn't want anyone to talk to. From May to November I just didn't want to cry to anyone, I felt uncomfortable opening up to other people that may not understand or take the situation as serious as it was to me, so I suffered alone. Not completely alone. I had Andrew to lean on, Diane, my dad and Aaron but I didn't want any of them. I wanted my mom.
I didn't want to be around people who were happy because it just reminded me of how utterly miserable I was. Faking a smile was too much at times so I just wouldn't smile. I started closing myself off and building a thick shell around any part of me that was vulnerable to save myself from feeling anything. Plus I didn't want to stop feeling this way because that would mean I was over it right?
So I threw myself into school taking 4 upper division art history classes, a sign language class and working part time because I didn't know what else to do with myself. I was in survival mode. I clung to work and school because it didn't require any personal interaction. I could have a blank stare all day and no one would notice, I didn't have to think about how I was feeling and everyone else around me was just as miserable (all too true at work) so I didn't feel like I was being a party pooper or faking a smile. The hardest part about being at school was that while I would walk to the art building I would normally call my mom and talk to her. There were plenty of times where I pulled out my phone to call her and then remembered and sadly put it back in my pocket. A couple times I did call just to make sure.
Then in December something clicked. I don't know what happened but I started feeling a whole lot better. Not great but just not like I wanted to disappear anymore. I started going to counseling through the U which was wonderful, Diane and I started hanging out every Saturday, Patty and I started having regular chats, I started this blog and I just felt better. I don't know what changed but I was just happy to be feeling better.
From December to March I went to counseling and progressively felt better. I can think about my mom without crying (sometimes) and reminisce without wanting to curl up into the fetal position. I'm not angry at people who still have their moms or people that don't get how I'm feeling. It really has come down to me saying to myself, "It's okay" and knowing that my mom feels the same way. Luckily, I have had a husband who holds me when I cry and lets me know that there is nothing wrong about the way that I'm feeling, a family that looks out for me in their own ways and friends, including my mom's friends, who genuinely care.
It's been a hard year for all of us I would imagine. I lost my best friend and fan 364 days ago, no one loves me like she does, and I am grateful for our time together. This year has taught me a lot about my strong points as well as my breaking points. I do wish that this was all just a bad dream but it is my new reality and I'm learning to live in it.
Love, kindness, empathy, strength, equality, friendship, healing, happiness, family, charity, adventure, confidence, leadership, selflessness, intelligence, sincerity, forgiveness, honesty, prudence, modesty, loyalty, tolerance, responsibility, compassion, creativity, individuality, feminine, gentle, hard working, gracious, classy, hopeful, grateful, nature lover, beautiful, warm, nurturing, gatherer, fun. Thanks for teaching me mom, you did it well.
I heard this song the Mother's Day after my mom passed, it's been a favorite ever since.
It's official! Next week I'm going to California to be with my sweet Grandpa (who just had heart surgery but is doing well), my Auntie Valerie for a day before she goes to a conference and my mom's best friend Patty and her family. It's going to be a very quick trip but I needed to get out of Salt Lake, at least for a little bit, in order to survive this miserable last semester.
I'm so sad. Andrew and I moved into his parent's house to save money until we move in August and I have no pictures here :( My computer is boxed up safely and not to be seen until we get settled in Cleveland. Oh well, these will do for now!
My mom's 50th surprise party at the Homestead.
Jared and Rose made the whole thing so special!
My mom's family, so cute!
Backpacking through Europe with Christie and Patty
Valerie, my mom and Miss Nancy at my reception
such a happy day
Patty and my mom hiking the Narrows in Zion's, such a fun week.
I'm so excited, this little vacation is much need to rejuvenate my spirit and body.
Let's just say I bought the entire cd the day it came out on iTunes. This song became a fast favorite because it reminded me of the carefree summers of being "Boxcar Children" in the orchard across the street from my house, playing practical jokes on the homeless man that lived behind the church dumpster (I'm probably going to hell for that one), running through sprinklers or through the irrigation in Whitney's backyard only to lie on the hot sidewalk to warm up, small plastic pools that I had to share with my 90 pound black lab Megan who shed like mad, birthday parties where 'heavy, heavy hangover' and a slip'n'slide was mandatory, going to Idaho and California to visit family, eating lunch with Aaron on our front yard while talking to mom through the open window where she was doing dishes, roller skating with Muriel, boating at Utah Lake where I learned how to wakeboard, bonfires up the canyon and at Bum Beach, hiking up Stewart Falls, outdoor movies at Sundance, tramp time at Justin's, water balloon fights, riding my pink Schwinn to Storehouse to stock up on candy, cruising in Lauran's jeep with the top down and Britney Spears blaring from the radio, sleepovers on tramps, camping, fishing, horsebackriding at Patti's, girls camp, hiking the Narrows with my mom and Patti's family, sticky otter pop hands, playing night games in Mariel and Ashlee's col-de-sac, riding Aaron's go cart around the neighborhood, Scera Park movie packages where a drink, candy and popcorn was only $1, going to Lagoon to meet cute boys from SLC (they were so much more mature than Orem boys), the Lehi and Heber rodeos, Summerfest and the Stadium of Fire...I wish this list would never end.
Not that I have such a hectic or stressful life that I can't do some of these things but since my mom passed away it's just been different. No, that's not true, I've just been different. Depression and that gaping hole where my mom should be pretty much swallowed me whole and spit me back out. I refused for a while to try and adjust to my new reality because that meant moving on and moving on meant that she was truly gone. Luckily, for all our sakes, I snapped out of it in December and started the adjustment process and it sucks. (I really hate that word but for lack of anything better it'll do) But as much as it does suck (ugh) I feel like I'm spending much less time, actually hardly any time at all, curled up in the fetal position in my bed every day after school just wanting to be left alone. Not that I'm any kind of a social butterfly now but I don't get angry at people because they still have their mom or because they are simply happy so that's good.
It's still not as easy to smile but I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, but at least I'm getting somewhere.
The purpose of this blog is to bring us all together like my mom did to celebrate our own lives. That was her message and her mantra for the last 5 or so years of her life and I want that to continue with her legacy. Please feel free to post your own stories, memories, feelings, announcements, likes/dislikes, etc. This isn't suppost to be a cryfest all the time, even though it could be :) My mom wouldn't want us to be like that. We're here to remember the good times, celebrate the now and have a good cry every now and then. Love you lots!!!
