Lady Antebellum - American Honey
Let's just say I bought the entire cd the day it came out on iTunes. This song became a fast favorite because it reminded me of the carefree summers of being "Boxcar Children" in the orchard across the street from my house, playing practical jokes on the homeless man that lived behind the church dumpster (I'm probably going to hell for that one), running through sprinklers or through the irrigation in Whitney's backyard only to lie on the hot sidewalk to warm up, small plastic pools that I had to share with my 90 pound black lab Megan who shed like mad, birthday parties where 'heavy, heavy hangover' and a slip'n'slide was mandatory, going to Idaho and California to visit family, eating lunch with Aaron on our front yard while talking to mom through the open window where she was doing dishes, roller skating with Muriel, boating at Utah Lake where I learned how to wakeboard, bonfires up the canyon and at Bum Beach, hiking up Stewart Falls, outdoor movies at Sundance, tramp time at Justin's, water balloon fights, riding my pink Schwinn to Storehouse to stock up on candy, cruising in Lauran's jeep with the top down and Britney Spears blaring from the radio, sleepovers on tramps, camping, fishing, horsebackriding at Patti's, girls camp, hiking the Narrows with my mom and Patti's family, sticky otter pop hands, playing night games in Mariel and Ashlee's col-de-sac, riding Aaron's go cart around the neighborhood, Scera Park movie packages where a drink, candy and popcorn was only $1, going to Lagoon to meet cute boys from SLC (they were so much more mature than Orem boys), the Lehi and Heber rodeos, Summerfest and the Stadium of Fire...I wish this list would never end.
Not that I have such a hectic or stressful life that I can't do some of these things but since my mom passed away it's just been different. No, that's not true, I've just been different. Depression and that gaping hole where my mom should be pretty much swallowed me whole and spit me back out. I refused for a while to try and adjust to my new reality because that meant moving on and moving on meant that she was truly gone. Luckily, for all our sakes, I snapped out of it in December and started the adjustment process and it sucks. (I really hate that word but for lack of anything better it'll do) But as much as it does suck (ugh) I feel like I'm spending much less time, actually hardly any time at all, curled up in the fetal position in my bed every day after school just wanting to be left alone. Not that I'm any kind of a social butterfly now but I don't get angry at people because they still have their mom or because they are simply happy so that's good.
It's still not as easy to smile but I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, but at least I'm getting somewhere.
How grateful I am for your postings. You have a way with words. I am heart-broken for you and your family. I know that sounds cliche'. Losing a loved one a nightmare. Having faith allows the nightmare to fade because of hope, truth, and light.
ReplyDeleteI, too, have used my blog as a way to release. While it's scary to put feelings into words it can be so healing..if there's such a thing.
I am grateful for your strength. I am grateful for the blessing/talent you have of perfectly stating what those of us who are grieving are REALLY feeling.
Just know you are not alone. I haven't lost my mom but I have lost an amazing person. Let me correct that. I haven't "lost" anyone. I've just been temporarily separated. And it still hurts. I still cry, even with this knowledge. This world is cruel. Yet it can offer some of the most beautiful experiences. Bitter-sweet. Completely. Thoroughly.
You have support. You are deeply loved and respected. My heart and soul is truly with you.
PS I know of your family through work. I work at First Choice with your dad, Kim, and think the world of him. He's a good man. Just thought I'd clarify so you don't worry.
My little Stinky-face,
ReplyDeleteI have Thursday and Friday of next week off work, wanna go do something fun? I need some Krystal time, desperately. If asked, I may return the favor that you gave to me years ago and make you a whole meal out of peanut butter. I know how peanut butter can heal the soul. Just let me know.
I get off work at 2:45 next Friday!!! We should play and eat peanut butter til the cows come home!
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling. I had to pull myself out for the sake of my kids, but I do remember many days, in the fetal position. I am lucky in that I had moved out already, had three kids (one on the way) and I can imagine that she's still back at home....sometimes,
ReplyDelete