I still cry

We must always change, renew, rejuvenate ourselves; otherwise we harden"

-Goethe

This year has been a year of unwanted change for me. It has been 364 days since my mom passed away if you can believe it or not. There are times when it feels like it was last month and times when it feels like I've been grieving for a decade. My sense of time has been so jumbled that I don't even know anymore. 

I think the hardest part of all of this was the loneliness. I've mentioned this before but I felt like I had no one to talk to when in fact I didn't want anyone to talk to. From May to November I just didn't want to cry to anyone, I felt uncomfortable opening up to other people that may not understand or take the situation as serious as it was to me, so I suffered alone. Not completely alone. I had Andrew to lean on, Diane, my dad and Aaron but I didn't want any of them. I wanted my mom. 

I didn't want to be around people who were happy because it just reminded me of how utterly miserable I was. Faking a smile was too much at times so I just wouldn't smile. I started closing myself off and building a thick shell around any part of me that was vulnerable to save myself from feeling anything. Plus I didn't want to stop feeling this way because that would mean I was over it right?

So I threw myself into school taking 4 upper division art history classes, a sign language class and working part time because I didn't know what else to do with myself. I was in survival mode. I clung to work and school because it didn't require any personal interaction. I could have a blank stare all day and no one would notice, I didn't have to think about how I was feeling and everyone else around me was just as miserable (all too true at work) so I didn't feel like I was being a party pooper or faking a smile. The hardest part about being at school was that while I would walk to the art building I would normally call my mom and talk to her. There were plenty of times where I pulled out my phone to call her and then remembered and sadly put it back in my pocket. A couple times I did call just to make sure. 

Then in December something clicked. I don't know what happened but I started feeling a whole lot better. Not great but just not like I wanted to disappear anymore. I started going to counseling through the U which was wonderful, Diane and I started hanging out every Saturday, Patty and I started having regular chats, I started this blog and I just felt better. I don't know what changed but I was just happy to be feeling better. 

From December to March I went to counseling and progressively felt better. I can think about my mom without crying (sometimes) and reminisce without wanting to curl up into the fetal position. I'm not angry at people who still have their moms or people that don't get how I'm feeling. It really has come down to me saying to myself, "It's okay" and knowing that my mom feels the same way. Luckily, I have had a husband who holds me when I cry and lets me know that there is nothing wrong about the way that I'm feeling, a family that looks out for me in their own ways and friends, including my mom's friends, who genuinely care. 

It's been a hard year for all of us I would imagine. I lost my best friend and fan 364 days ago, no one loves me like she does, and I am grateful for our time together. This year has taught me a lot about my strong points as well as my breaking points. I do wish that this was all just a bad dream but it is my new reality and I'm learning to live in it. 

Love, kindness, empathy, strength, equality, friendship, healing, happiness, family, charity, adventure, confidence, leadership, selflessness, intelligence, sincerity, forgiveness, honesty, prudence, modesty, loyalty, tolerance, responsibility, compassion, creativity, individuality, feminine, gentle, hard working, gracious, classy, hopeful, grateful, nature lover, beautiful, warm, nurturing, gatherer, fun. Thanks for teaching me mom, you did it well.

I heard this song the Mother's Day after my mom passed, it's been a favorite ever since.