Butterflies

Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.

April 2009 my mom passed away after a tough battle with pancreatic cancer. Since I am now the only girl in my immediate family, I am feeling very alone. I try to talk to my dad and my little brother, Aaron, but they just don't give me anything. Don't get me wrong, they are beyond sweet to me, but they aren't feeling what I'm feeling. They don't miss the girls-only lunch dates with her or the afternoon pedicures or the once a day "how was school?" phone call like I do. There is this void in my life that can't be filled by my sweet dad or my crazy little brother or even my amazing husband. My mom did leave me with a wonderful support system of women consisting of her sister, Valerie, her best friends, neighbors, and massage clients who shoot me fun e-mails and call just to check up. Their support has been very much needed on my end and I am grateful for them. But even though I do have a wonderful family, husband, and support system behind me it's still hard. I still miss her and I still feel very much alone sometimes.

That loneliness is what prompted me to start this blog. I know that I'm probably feeling the same way that many of you do. The loneliness, the void, the sadness, this greiving stuff is miserable but we'll get through. About 6 months after my mom passed I realized that I wasn't happy with the way I was handling my loss. I had become depressed and angry and I was ready to pick myself up off the ground and try and work through this. Since then I have been trying to be kinder to people, I'm seeing a greif counselor, I'm making more of an effort to be a good friend in an effort to try to reconstruct my shifted reality.

Since I am a woman I feel the need pretty much all the time to express how I'm feeling but living with a boy and having no sisters really has put a damper on my self therapy sessions plus, I don't want to cry all the time and when I talk about her, all I want to do is cry. Normally, I would simply write in my journal about all of this but since many people I know (and don't know) are going through this process with me I thought we could make this like an online support group.

It doesn't have to be...  me: "Hi my name is Krystal"      group: "Hi Krystal"      me: "And I'm a crier"

I want this to be our memories, our hardaches, what's helping or not helping, our thoughts, our feelings, our little celebrations (or big), our love that is spread out all over the world can convene in one convenient place as long as you have the internet.

So what's the deal with butterflies? Outside of my house growing up my mom had planted and cared for a butterfly bush. I have no idea what the real name of this butterfuly bush is but I loved it. It was right outside of our living room window and I would patiently wait to watch the butterflies gather to eat. Like any little girl I loved butterflies, their beauty, their grace, their delicate wings and the fact that they had once been furry little caterpillars.

Now everytime I see a butterfly I think that it's my mom saying hi. I know it's ridiculous but it makes me feel better and there is nothing wrong with a little hope. :)

Then at my Aunt Wana's funeral on Sunday (she had bone cancer) her daughter showed me a little card that one of their friends had given them. It said "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly" and at the bottom she had written "Damn Cancer". Cute and very fitting.

On the three and a half hour drive back to my house from Parker, Idaho on Sunday, I cried (I told you I'm a crier) and I thought alot about my Aunt Wana's daughters and how they must feel just as broken and alone as I do. But knowing that they are suffering too doesn't make me feel better, it just reminds me that there are so many other people suffering with us. Even if we can't fix anything we can at least listen to each other. I don't know if this will help anyone besides myself but I hope it does. I love you and I don't want you to feel alone.