Andrew and I watched our wedding video last night. I was fine until this came up...
Granted this was the first time I had let myself watch a video of her since she died. Watching her move again was sweet, her smile, hugging everyone, such a proud mama. I lost it 150%. Snot running down my face, mascara everywhere, hugging my knees. I was a sight to behold.
It reminded me of last year around this time. How miserable I was and how what I just described (snot, mascara and knees) became a daily occurance. But back then I couldn't snap myself out of it. It was just a matter of when it would hit the hardest. I always felt like doing that but sometimes I didn't have the will to stop myself.
That was one of our happiest days together. After that it was no eating, surgery and hospice.
I have dreams all the time that she is still alive and when I wake up it bulldozes when I realize that she's not. But in those dreams I am the happiest girl in the world. I never knew what I really had until she was gone. That is my biggest regret. Not treating her better. She knows how I feel though, I know it. That's comforting.
Her 52nd birthday is on the 17th. I think that calls for a celebration!
Okay, I'm blog stalking now. I hope you don't mind if I'm reading this blog. You have so many beautiful things to say--thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteI have no words for the loss you experienced. So I guess I just want to say thank you for being willing to share what you have learned. I hate that the worst experiences in life seem to teach us the most--at least that's how I feel about the worst experience of my life. But I guess it's all part of the big plan.