Nothin's sweeter than summertime

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Lady Antebellum - American Honey

Let's just say I bought the entire cd the day it came out on iTunes. This song became a fast favorite because it reminded me of the carefree summers of being "Boxcar Children" in the orchard across the street from my house, playing practical jokes on the homeless man that lived behind the church dumpster (I'm probably going to hell for that one), running through sprinklers or through the irrigation in Whitney's backyard only to lie on the hot sidewalk to warm up, small plastic pools that I had to share with my 90 pound black lab Megan who shed like mad, birthday parties where 'heavy, heavy hangover' and a slip'n'slide was mandatory, going to Idaho and California to visit family, eating lunch with Aaron on our front yard while talking to mom through the open window where she was doing dishes, roller skating with Muriel, boating at Utah Lake where I learned how to wakeboard, bonfires up the canyon and at Bum Beach, hiking up Stewart Falls, outdoor movies at Sundance, tramp time at Justin's, water balloon fights, riding my pink Schwinn to Storehouse to stock up on candy, cruising in Lauran's jeep with the top down and Britney Spears blaring from the radio, sleepovers on tramps, camping, fishing, horsebackriding at Patti's, girls camp, hiking the Narrows with my mom and Patti's family, sticky otter pop hands, playing night games in Mariel and Ashlee's col-de-sac, riding Aaron's go cart around the neighborhood, Scera Park movie packages where a drink, candy and popcorn was only $1, going to Lagoon to meet cute boys from SLC (they were so much more mature than Orem boys), the Lehi and Heber rodeos, Summerfest and the Stadium of Fire...I wish this list would never end.

Not that I have such a hectic or stressful life that I can't do some of these things but since my mom passed away it's just been different. No, that's not true, I've just been different. Depression and that gaping hole where my mom should be pretty much swallowed me whole and spit me back out. I refused for a while to try and adjust to my new reality because that meant moving on and moving on meant that she was truly gone. Luckily, for all our sakes, I snapped out of it in December and started the adjustment process and it sucks. (I really hate that word but for lack of anything better it'll do) But as much as it does suck (ugh) I feel like I'm spending much less time, actually hardly any time at all, curled up in the fetal position in my bed every day after school just wanting to be left alone. Not that I'm any kind of a social butterfly now but I don't get angry at people because they still have their mom or because they are simply happy so that's good.

It's still not as easy to smile but I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, but at least I'm getting somewhere.

I Measure Every Grief I Meet

I measure every grief I meet
With analytic eyes;
I wonder if it weighs like mine,
Or has an easier size.


I wonder if they bore it long,
Or did it just begin?
I could not tell the date of mine,
It feels so old a pain.


I wonder if it hurts to live,
And if they have to try,
And whether, could they choose between,
They would not rather die.


I wonder if when years have piled--
Some thousands--on the cause
Of early hurt, if such a lapse
Could give them any pause;


Or would they go on aching still
Through centuries above,
Enlightened to a larger pain
By contrast with the love.


The grieved are many, I am told;
The reason deeper lies,--
Death is but one and comes but once
And only nails the eyes.


There's grief of want, and grief of cold,--
A sort they call 'despair,'
There's banishment from native eyes,
In sight of native air.


And though I may not guess the kind
Correctly yet to me
A piercing comfort it affords
In passing Calvary,


To note the fashions of the cross
Of those that stand alone
Still fascinated to presume
That some are like my own.

-Emily Dickinson "I Measure Every Grief I Meet"

My story: part II

Once again, this is how I remember it. I'm not perfect so please don't think that this story is. :)

Okay, where did I leave off? My mom was sent to the hospital because her eyes were yellow and the doctors did some testing...(here's the full thing if you need to catch up: Part I)

PART II

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference. -Winston Churchill

My mom ended up staying in the hospital for a little bit so that the doctors could figure out what was wrong. I went back to Salt Lake and school because the doctors had sent her home.
That means that she was fine, right?

For the next few months doctors poked her and took samples of everything to try and figure this thing out. Finally, the week of July 4th, when I was in Philadelphia visiting some friends, away from home and my family, my dad called me to tell me that my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He didn't give me details just the comfort that she would have to do chemo, radiation and surgery to beat this thing.
I remember feeling shocked but slightly hopeful because my dad said that she could fight it, and he's a doctor so he knows, right?

At this point in my life I was more concerned with establishing my independence than recognizing that this was a crisis. Life expectancy for pancreatic cancer patients is about 5-8 months and in 2009 alone claimed almost 34,000 lives, including my mom's. It is the number 4 on the deadliest cancer list and is recognized as one of the more painful cancers because it attaches itself to blood vessels and nerves quickly. I've done my research since but at the time I just trusted my dad and took comfort in my ignorance.

When I got home I sat down with my family to discuss what was going to happen next. My mom seemed so optimistic about everything and kept reassuring me that she would be fine and I completely believed her. She told me that she was going to have a Whipple procedure in August to get out the "big stuff" followed by chemo and radiation to kill anything remaining, all with a big smile on her face, like always. Just writing it out makes me realize how foolish I was to believe that she wasn't scared to death.
She's my mom and invincible, if she says she can do something she will, right?

Me, being the self absorbed teenager that I was, went about my business of college life. Taking calculus tests, dating idiotic boys, going to parties, not going to class, sleeping in, driving down to see my family when I felt like it, meeting new friends, running for student government, you know, the usual. I wasn't close to my mom at this point. I had mostly butted heads with my parents in high school and was on a quest to distance myself from them and be who I wanted to be. (I hope this sounds familiar to some of you and I'm not the only self centered teenager)

As my mom's surgery date came I went to Lagoon (a run down theme park in North SLC) like any self respecting girl would do. Actually, to defend myself a bit, my entire family was there. My mom didn't want us to wait in the hospital for the entire day and my dad's work was having a party so we went on roller coaster rides as my mom was having surgery.

After surgery and Lagoon we went to visit her after hours in the ICU where she was hooked up to all kinds of machines and drugs. She was half awake, half asleep the entire time. I cried a lot that night. Not in front of her though.
She was being strong so I needed to be too, right?

Kathy's memories

Before my mom passed away she set up an incredible support group for me. It consists of my mom's closest friends and family and I call them my "Lovely Ladies" because they are now some of my closest friends. The night after my mom's funeral we all went out to dinner to start our new chapter together. I am so grateful for my mom knowing that I'd need those women because boy do I!

One lovely lady is Kathy Cheesman. She lives about 2 blocks away from my parent's house and loved visiting my mom. She would run errands for my mom, sit by her side and keep her company for hours and was an all around amazing friend. Kathy and I have been emailing regularly since my mom passed away and her emails are always very sweet. She somehow puts so many of my feelings into words so much better than I ever could. Here are 2 snipits from her that especially touched me and made me cry like a baby. (I asked her permission to use the January 17th one but not the February one so Kathy I hope you don't mind. It just made me bawl and I couldn't resist making other people cry too.) I hope you enjoy!

January 17th 

It's just not the same is it?  But how could it be when such an important person in your life is now gone from your everyday life.  I'm sorry and I feel for you.  I'm so glad your dad created a good Christmas the best that he could.  You are so smart to go to a counselor and to create your blog.  Is the counseling helping you?  What a great idea and I will try to contribute even though I basically just email and I'm not very computer savy!  I have missed Vickie very much and I mentioned her in my testimony this past month.  Our ward enjoyed the articles that she wrote each month for our newsletter and I shared a few thoughts on one titled coping strategies.  Mainly asking myself how I'm coping with the challenges in my life.  It made me self evaluate and also brought back memories of Vickie calling and us sharing ideas about her articles etc.  I saved several of them and encouraged her to save them and put them in a notebook so maybe your could ask your dad and there would be a piece of your moms writings.  There is a void for me too Krystal.  I have had some dreams about your mom and a few times felt her presence and I'm thankful for those experiences.  I'll tell you today at choir practice I thought of her and her beautiful voice and love of music and singing.  I had a deja vous moment of both of us at choir and yes it made me miss her.  I miss my friend and I told her there would be a void when she was gone and boy was I right!!!  I got teary just reading your blog and seeing her picture so don't feel bad about tears.  It is a compliment to be missed and time helps to keep us moving forward and help the wound to heal but leave a loving scar of rememberance. (that's my thinking)  Try not to be too hard on yourself after all this is your mom we're talking about and it's a very major adjustment in your life.  Sounds to me like you are taking some very productive steps to healing in the right direction Krystal.

February 2nd

Thinking back to when our son Travis left on his mission I can't help but remember this so I'll share it with you.
Your mom and I talked about our kids etc often as you know how moms are and she was excited and nervous for me about Travis going on his mission.  He was going to Costa Rica Spanish speaking.  I was going to have two missionaries out at the same time.  As time went on and her health and energy depleted she would forget about his leaving and I never brought it up because I felt there were more important issues to deal with in her life and other things for us to talk about.  I usually talked to her every day and stopped by the house often but I remember telling her on Monday April 20 I would see her on Wednesday.  I knew the day before Travis leaving would be crazy.  Anyway we took him to the MTC and went through all of our goodbyes etc.  The minute I came home from the MTC I told my family I'm going over to see Vickie.  I also remember having the most massive headache because of the many emotions I was feeling for people I deeply cared about.  (I'm sure you've had those massive emotional headaches too)  This was Wednesday April 22 and your mom was more medicated and not speaking too much.  I came over and kneeled on the floor by her holding her hand and talking to her because I knew she was aware of me being there and could understand everything I was saying.  I said" Vickie guess where I just came back from?  We took Travis to the MTC."  Oh Krystal her face lit up and she tried to talk.  I said "don't worry about talking but yes this is the day and he's in the MTC."  Anyway, I share this with you because she was a true friend who even at that moment when she was dying she had joy and excitement and sadness for me and remembered what was going on in my life.  Her expression said it all and her efforts to try and talk let me know of her love for me and my family.  OK I'm sorry if I made you teary over this story.  I'm assuming you are because . . . yes I am but I am also reminded of the many tender loving memories and experiences I have with your mom even though we didn't get to do a lot of the things we talked about or I planned on doing with her.  You are a good kind friend too Krystal and your mom was a good example to you in that respect.  True friendship is so important and necessary for all of us, so I share this with you as a positive tribute to your amazing mom and my dear friend!

Love you Kathy!!!

Can it get any better?

Rose, my sister in law, and her little boy, Tyler, are in town for a few weeks and on Tuesday I spent the entire day with them! I had the best time, our day started with going to my mom's grave and updating her on everything that has happened since she's been gone. From the stories that Rose and Jared have told me Tyler has a connection with my mom that is so incredible. He mentions her often and I feel like she's watching over him, like his guardian angel. Here are some videos of the event.

  

He is so adorable and a light in our family. After updating my mom we went to Chuck E Cheese and played like crazy then went to lunch. At lunch Rose and I had a really great talk. It's been nice to spend time with her because I don't get that very often. She is so sweet and it's wonderful to have another girl in the family. Later we had dinner with my Grandma and Grandpa Gardner who were on their way to Saint George, my dad, Aaron and Andrew. After dinner we sat in the living room and were entertained by Tyler the entire night. He played instruments, sang us songs and Grandpa Kim gave him a truck with a trailer on it that he would not put down!

It was one of those nights that wasn't complete without my mom. Her laugh and her smile were missed more than I can explain. I felt the void but I knew that she was glad that we were together and having fun. On my way home I was listening to the radio and a song came on that was talking about the loss of a friend. There's a line that says "I'm not crying because I feel so sorry for you, I'm crying for me" and I started bawling. I'm having such a hard time with my mom's passing because I miss her not because she passed away. I miss her and my sadness is purely selfish and I'm okay with that. My counselor wanted to make sure that I understand that being selfish is okay when it comes to grieving and I believe it. I didn't  at first because I'm not a huge fan of selfish people but I fully believe it now. Be a little selfish, it's worth it.

My story

I decided to write down my story about my mom’s cancer battle so I can have it in one place. I have the entire saga written down in my journals but this will be more of a synopsis of the whole thing through my eyes. If the dates or details are a little off please forgive me, I’m doing this without the aid of my journals or anyone else's memory. This is just a small portion of the first day or so of the beginning. Forgive the spelling and grammar, I'm not an English major :)


So here we go…

In early 2005 I was a Freshman at the University of Utah studying Marketing. School was good but I missed being home so I would drive down to my parents house once or twice a week just to hang out and do laundry. My little brother, Aaron, was on a football team for Lakeridge Junior High so I would drive all over the place, mostly to Heber, to watch his games too. It was really fun. I loved being on my own but I loved the option of going home when I wanted. My parents were really supportive of my schooling and loved to hear about my classes, new friends, running for student government, etc.
In the early Spring of 2005 my mom called me while I was at school to see if I could come pick Aaron up from the hospital. She had taken him to our pediatrician to get a prescription for his strep throat. A few days before she had been noticing the whites of her eyes becoming a little discolored and it wasn’t going away so she casually asked him about it and he sent her directly to the emergency room. They had waited in the ER for a while and since Aaron was only 14 at the time he couldn’t drive himself home and my dad was out of town for a few more days. So when I got the phone call that my mom and Aaron were in the ER I assumed that Aaron had gotten another concussion snowboarding or from football or that he needed stitches for one reason or another so I wasn’t too concerned until my mom told me that it was for her that they were in the ER. Then I started to panic. When I was younger my parents never got hurt or sick, or so I remember. The only thing I remember as being a little scary was when my dad’s appendix burst when I was 7 or so and I didn’t know anything besides “Daddy needs some rest” “Don’t jump on Daddy, he’s still getting better” “Daddy will be just fine in a little bit”. I had so many people reassuring me that he would be fine and now, I had no idea what was going to happen.
So in my panic I rushed down to the Provo IHC where Aaron and my mom were waiting. I ended up taking Aaron somewhere, I think to our neighbor, Lil’s, house where he could play with Eliza, the girl his age, but honestly I don’t remember. I dropped Aaron off and went back to the hospital where my mom was getting ready to go into a procedure. She could probably feel my apprehension and continued to tell me that everything was going to be okay and tried to make light of the situation. I tried to be strong and sat by her side in the recovery area until they were ready for her. I wasn’t able to go into the treatment room so I had to wait right outside and watch through a little window. They gave my mom some medicine that was supposed to relax her throat so they could put a tiny camera on the end of a thin cable down her throat. It’s called an endoscopy, I found out later, and they could see where the blockage was with the camera so they could do further testing.
Those two words, further testing, became the bane of my existence over the next 3 years or so. I hated those words. Why can’t you just tell me now so we can all move on with our lives? Anyways, the medicine they gave my mom didn’t work very well so she had a hard time not gagging. That was painful to watch but she got through the procedure. The doctor found the blockage and pulled the camera out then went to discuss with his collogues while we waited. They wheeled my mom out into the patient recovery area where we were separated from the other patients by a very thin curtain and waited for the doctor to give us an update. While we were waiting my mom got really nauseated and started throwing up all of the orange medicine they had given her. Luckily she didn’t get too much on her because I have quick reflexes and held the throw up bucket for her.

I can’t tell you how hard that moment was. Normally it was my mom who held my throw up buckets for me, not the other way around. I am grateful I was there though, I wanted to be there for her like she had been for me all those years. Mom’s are supposed to be sick, they’re indestructible right? She was so fragile and that scared me. This experience completely shifted my paradigm when it came to the immortality of my mom. I realized that she was really sick or else they wouldn’t be doing all of these tests and no one was reassuring us that she’d be fine. The reality of the situation hit my like a ton of bricks and I was just doing what I could not to cry.

The doctor's ended up holding her at the hospital overnight, or a couple days, I can't remember, but Aaron and I hung out and my dad came home so I went back to school.

That's all for now, more to come later!

what would I do without you?

I got so many incredible responses about my first post, you guys are too wonderful. I feel like your comments deserve a more prominent place on this so here are some of the responses I've gotten so far. Next to all of your names I've put how I know you and underneath your comment will be a little something from me!

Danielle (one of my sweet, lovely friends from high school who I still stay in touch with)

Vickie was always a sweetheart. I didn't know her that well, but I always felt a connection with her. She was your mom and I was your friend and that was good enough. I remember her always being so caring and wonderful. When I came over to carve pumpkins with you and your family and she roasted the seeds, I remember thinking what a wonderful family you had. Every time I was at your house she made me feel so welcome, even if I only saw her for a second. I feel lucky to have crossed her path. She was a blessing to all that met her and I am sure that she thinks about you all the time, even when the butterflies aren't around. I love you, Krystal!
Thanks Danielle, you're story about the pumpkins always makes me smile because it was so not a big deal to me growing up. It was just something that we did every year. It really reminds me of all of the wonderful little things that made her so special. 


Whit (my best friend and the closest thing I've ever had to a sister since I was 12, we've known each other since we were 2)

Krystal,
I love that you have started this blog, I am grateful to have another way to remember your mom and the amazing person that she was. She was my second mom and our confidant. I am always here if you need anything. Citra and Star bursts are just one grocery store away :)
-"Wee Wee"
I don't even have words for this girl. She has been my right hand woman for so long and I don't know what I'd do without her.


Lisa Michelle (Another lovely junior high-high school friend. We were even chosen for the Great Kid Award together in elementary school. We were always meant to be friends!)

So beautiful, it makes me ache. Love you, Krystal! Oh, definitely just broke into tears writing that because I can't imagine the pain you feel. I wish my tears could help take away some of your pain. I feel anything I tried to say to comfort you would just belittle what you're going though. Just know that you are so, so loved!
-Lisa Michelle
Lisa, nothing you could possibly say would belittle what I'm going through. Your sincerity and love come across through the little things like this. You are wonderful and I'm grateful to call you my friend. Just remember, you'll always be a Great Kid :)


Hannah Liz (I've never met Hannah (I don't think) but as you can tell by the comment she works with my dad and obviously she is an incredible person and one of my newest friends!)

Thank you for starting this blog! I didn't know your mom, but I work with your dad and anytime anyone at work has mentioned him or your mother they always mention what amazing people they are! This is such a great idea! As you have said everyone is hurting for one reason or another and I appreciate this opportunity for a support system! Thank you for allowing all of us to cry, laugh, and smile with you!
-Hannah
Hannah, I am so excited you found the blog. I don't think you know how much this comment means to me. At first I felt kind of ridiculous for doing this but after this I'm going to keep it up! You give me a reason to continue so thank you!


Emily (I met Emily on the Mormon Pioneer wagon train reenactment when I was in 4th grade. She quickly became part of the family and I am so glad for it!)

I don't even know what to say but that I love you so much. Your family holds a very special place in my heart that will never be forgotten. I'm up for pedicures ANY time. I'll find some pics from the trek and post them for you. I LOVE YOU, KRYSTAL!!!
Emily, that is so kind of you to go get pedicures with me, I know it's a lot to ask but I'm grateful for your sacrifice :) I love you so much and you made me and my mom so happy. I think she was grateful to have more girls in the family, I sure was! Thanks for your comment, love ya!


April (I don't know April but she knows all too well how I feel)

I don't know you. I can't even remember where I ran across your blog. My mom passed away from pancreatic cancer 5 years ago. I enjoyed reading about your mom. I'm a crier too!
April, I am so sorry to hear about your mom and that you're a crier too. Isn't it just exhausting sometimes? :) If you don't mind I'd love to hear more about your experience. You can email me or post it on here. It makes me feel better knowing that other people can go through something like this and be okay. 


Amy (Another person I don't know but who knows all to well how I feel)

Hi Krystal. My name is Amy, and i lost my mom to pancreatic cancer in June 2009. I am older than you; i have two children of my own. So, i think i'm going through this differently. I'm not a crier. I feel like i'm going through this alone because i lost my father to lung cancer 11 years ago and I have no siblings. That's the hardest part. Feeling that there is no one left but me. So I have immersed myself in my kids lives (ages 12 and 14) and this brings me happiness and peace. I have also reconnected with cousins and this helps me feel connected to my parents.

I have focused on being thankful for the time I did have with my mom after her initial diagnosis. Her pancreatic cancer was found early by accident (she had gall stones.) She was very healthy, so it was treated aggressively with surgery, chemo and radiation. But, I think what gave her 6 cancer-free years after treatment was her participation in a cancer vaccine trial at Johns Hopkins. I will forever be grateful for that doctor. My kids had the opportunity to really get to know their grandmother and will forever remember her and carry a piece of her in their hearts.

I went to a cancer support center just before my mom died and found it really helpful to talk to others in similar situations. I found that I really had something to share; I realized that I have a lot of experience that others find helpful, having been through cancer with both my parents. And it helped me to help others. You might find joining a group at a cancer support center to be helpful, too.
Hi Amy, I'm sorry about your loss. Losing both your mom and your dad to cancer would be heartbreaking. I've been thinking about joining a support group at our local hospital but I guess I'm nervous. I'm so glad that it was a help to you, that makes me a little less nervous. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Even though you aren't a crier like me I feel like we have a little too much in common.  I feel like I could learn a lot from you. Thanks again!

Kristin (Kristin is my cousin and the daughter of my Aunt Wana, the aunt I mentioned in my first post,  who passed away from bone cancer about 2 weeks ago. Once again, someone who knows all too well how I feel.)

Hi Krystal, I just found out about this from Halli, and you are such a sweetheart. I have thought a lot about you the past couple of weeks, and you need to know that us girls do know what you are going through and that you are now part of "us girls." I can't imagine the last two weeks without my sisters, and my sister-in-law. Lean on Rose and any other sisters-in-law that you have on Andrew's side. They can help you like a real sister. Girl cousins, such as myself, can also help you. I know what you are saying about your dad and your brother. Men just don't feel and think about things like women. They just don't. It doesn't mean that they don't love us. They just aren't women. So, know that you have us girls to lean on any time you want. And when we do our next girls' weekend, you need to come with us. We love you.

Thanks Kristin, you are too sweet. I'm so sorry to be part of "us girls" I wish neither of us was but that's life I guess. Your support and love is felt even though we are a bit away. I would love to have a girl's weekend, there's nothing better! And if I can do anything for any of you don't hesitate to let me know, I love you all so much and my heart aches for you. I just feel so lucky to have such a wonderful family that I can lean on through all of this.

Well those are all of the comments that have been left as of today. Once again, thank you. I get so excited for each comment, you should all know that you do so much good for me. Even those people who haven't commented but have written me emails, called or sent letters, I love you. I love feeling like I'm apart of something bigger than just my little world of school and a part time job. Just know that there is a place to go when you hurt or feel all alone or need a place to just be yourself. It's okay to cry or to not cry, to smile or frown, to be happy or not. I just hope you come away feeling better because I do every time I read your words. So here's to good friends and here's to a good life.